I have been living and version of the lifestyle for a little over two decades, mostly scenes and games in the beginning building up to the current full time arrangement we have now. An arrangement that has been in effect for a few years. It is unconventional and we know that, and it works and we know that too.
From time to time I get asked all the standard questions that anyone in this lifestyle gets asked. For instance can she opt out and quit being a slave? Would this end your marriage? Do you decide every little thing? What happens if she disagrees? Do you punish her? All great questions and not only ones that I am happy to answer for the one asking but also ones I answer for me all the time.
Of course she can an opt out, this the 21st century and we live in a first world country with laws. I hope it would not end my marriage, I mean TTWD is not the sole reason I love her. I don't decide every little thing, don't believe I could and would not want to and if we disagree we discuss it. Isn't that what everyone does? (yes that is a rhetorical question)
I think what many of these questions are asking is how does it work day in and day out. I think most people understand how the BDSM or kinky nature of how a D/s relationship works but what they cannot wrap their heads around is how does it work in the face of work deadlines and kids sports practice and Sunday dinner with the family. How does it work when there is not enough money for this or that and when the laundry is piled up on the floor.
I believe the answer to that question is it works by providing a framework of respect and trust in which communication can happen effectively. Of course she can and does disagree with me, however she cannot yell at me "are f*&*ing stupid, why on earth would you do it that way" or say with great sarcasm "well that did not work, who knew". Similarly she cannot use sex or emotions as black mail. No headaches or silent treatment in our house. She must be honest and forthright in her dealings with me and she must be polite.
It is a two way street though, the above covers the respect in how she deals with me. The trust is in how I deal with her. Her pain in my pain and her joy is my joy. If I am dealing with pushing limits I would never want to push to far, that means I know every aspect of her and what she like and does not like, what is a fear of the unknown and what is true fear that may damage her. I would no more do something to cause her pain than I would myself. In fact doing so is doing it to myself. I have never understood the Dom who pushes to fast or to hard on a subs limits for to do so is to put your own joy before hers. My joy comes from hers.
So day in and day out she stays on her best behaviour out of respect and day in and day out I stay on mine to keep her trust. We still experience all the same ups and downs as any couple and it would be impossible for us not to. D/s however defines and intertwines in every aspect of how we deal with them. Can she leave... of course she can, but why would she want to??? Can I punish her... of course I can... but why would I need to???
Exactly Sir! Recently, mouse has had many similar questions...yes our dynamic could fade away..could mouse ask to be released....but really, why would she want to? Short of something happening with his SA, there isn't a single reason mouse can think of to make her ask. Even then, he might say no...which is ok, because the door would opened hopefully, to discuss whatever needed saying...
ReplyDeleteHowever, he certainly wouldn't let it get that bad or go that far without talking to mouse.
Hugs,
mouse
Sir J: I have been immersed in reading responses to the questionnaire I sent out. One thought leads to another and hours go by in contemplation and writing time. One response intrigued me because it was so blunt and to the point that it pulled me up with a round turn. He wrote something like, "This is nothing to do with D/s. This is just good communication skills." Good communication skills which I sometimes think of as "being nice to one another" would be an asset to any marriage. Perhaps it is the focus on these skills that can make a D/s marriage seem sweeter than the average marriage out there. That is to say, these components of happy days are available to any partnership really.
ReplyDeleteAnother kind gent wrote to me that he doesn't punish because he doesn't need to. When she breaks their agreement in some way "she punishes herself plenty".
The D/s arrangement is much more fluid and related to having strong communcation skills than most people are prepared to admit.
I'm not quite sure how anyone gets away form all the real life stuff. And frankly, there's a lot of joy also in the real life stuff. I think of ttwd as one way of being married, an evolving, and very useful, rewarding, sometimes challenging, often fun way, but i seem to be unable to view it as some separate entity from our marriage.
ReplyDeleteVery nice topic. "My joy comes from hers." That is exactly how I see it. That has always been my approach. I have said that I do enjoy pleasing, and making sure she is as happy as can be with the situation. From her excitement I will find my happiness. It's kind of ironic for a couple of Doms to say that when most people think of it as being the opposite...she will find her joy in his pleasure. I for one think it goes both directions.
ReplyDeleteI also think Vesta's comments hit the nail on the head. Communication is everything. I have even written about D/s relationships versus vanilla ones, and the levels of communication and openness in a D/s dynamic is what sets it apart, in my eyes. I think the first guy Vesta quoted is right on the money.
Thanks for another great post Sir J!
DV
Sir J, I am enjoying this blog so very much. The focus of it is very engaging and even helpful in focusing my attention on certain issues. I think I am enjoying it even more than your last!
ReplyDeleteL
"So day in and day out she stays on her best behaviour out of respect and day in and day out I stay on mine to keep her trust."
ReplyDeleteIt's perfectly explained. Funny that, we are not "master/slave", and think of what we do with very different words, different terms, yet we have much in common when it comes right down to it. Sara
I believe the answer to that question is it works by providing a framework of respect and trust in which communication can happen effectively. Of course she can and does disagree with me, however she cannot yell at me "are f*&*ing stupid, why on earth would you do it that way" or say with great sarcasm "well that did not work, who knew". Similarly she cannot use sex or emotions as black mail. No headaches or silent treatment in our house. She must be honest and forthright in her dealings with me and she must be polite.
ReplyDeleteI love this paragraph, but I have a question. Is this what makes her submissive? Obviously that is simplifying things, but the reason I ask is because this perfectly describes my relationship. I never until recently thought about submission at all, and often wonder how I missed it. The things you say in that particular paragraph are things we discussed and agreed on many years ago and I know the word submission never came up in those discussions.
Hmmm, guess I need to think some more, lol.
I have very much been enjoying reading through your posts, Sir J, and this one in particular is right up my alley, as you may guess. My husband and I have been forming our roles and I have worn his collar for several years (not on a daily basis). But we are currently working to find the right balance for these roles in a "day in and day out" capacity, as you say. In fact, that is the very reason we started our blog. It's really fascinating to read about your submissive's and your dynamic, and I am very happy to learn from her and gain a better understanding of your Dominant perspective. I believe my Master will also appreciate reading about your experiences and thoughts on your marriage's more established D/s rapport. Your love and commitment to one another is very touching and inspiring, and I am tickled to be reading.
ReplyDeletexoxo, Slut