What does it mean to be Dominant?

Tigers and stripes

2012-02-28T10:40:00.000-06:00

Normally when we play there are very clear lines about roles. There is a top giving sensation and there is a bottom receiving it (often literally). These top and bottom roles as you might surmise follow the Dominant and submissive roles as we lead our daily lives with in TTWD. Every once in a while though there is a switch. Saturday night was one of these, once in a whiles.

I found myself on the receiving end of a riding crop I have wielded many times. It was used across my chest and my backside and although she lacks a certain flare or style she does have a surprising amount of power. It was as most scenes involving pain and intense feeling a heady experience and a fun night. Like many a sub I can still feel the remnants of our activity as I write this.

However did the tiger change his stripes even if for only one night? Can he even if he wants to? Can she? This was not a case of subs gone wild, she was following instructions. It was on the surface her topping but a closer look would reveal I was in control the entire time, she was as much a puppet to that control in using the crop as she would have been under the crop.

The real indication can be found on Sunday. On Sunday she was just a fragile, just as in need of reassurance and closeness and care as should would have been if she were used and bruised. The dynamic that defines us played out on Sunday via aftercare exactly the same way it always does. She sought out closeness and protection and I provided it, like a thousand Sundays... Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and so on before.

Code-switching

2012-02-16T18:40:00.005-06:00

In linguistics code-switching is the concurrent use of more than one language in conversation. Multilinguals - people who speak more than one language - sometimes use elements of multiple languages when conversing with each other. Speakers practice code-switching when they are each fluent in both languages and it is characterized by using each language or linguistic variety in a manner consistent with the syntax (how we construct a sentence) and phonology (how we construct sounds to form words) of each variety or language. (thus ends today's linguistic lesson)

I believe, as many people do, that love is a language that we learn to speak. Like every language it has it's own vocabulary and different accents. Thus the way it is spoken changes with the different people who speak it. Think the difference between French, Italian and American men, or at least the popular notion in modern media of how each group loves or romances. I also think D/s is a language and rather than a different dialect of love like say parent/child vs romantic love, I think D/s is it's own language. Not everyone learns it. Those of us who do and practice it with in a romantic relationship are therefore a type of bilingual.

This is where the code-switching comes in. You see if you lead your life in English and all those around you speak English you do not need to code-switch. If however you speak French at home lets say and English in the world around you, this is when code-switching comes into effect. It is not so much the idea that you speak English in the world and remember to speak French at home as it is using phrases of both in both worlds.

I have noticed we do this with the languages of love and D/s. We do not use the language of love exclusively when in public or around our children and the language of D/s exclusively when we are alone or playing. Rather we practice a form of code-switching, moving in and out of the languages of love and D/s in a natural and seamless way that largely goes unnoticed by those around us. I think this is one of the tools or perhaps adaptations we have developed over the years that allows us to maintain our unique dynamic in a vanilla world.

I was remiss to add I developed this post from a comment I left on a blog in response to this post by Dark Pretty Fun http://darkprettyfun.blogspot.com/2012/02/our-day-to-day-dynamic.html

A dominant man and feminism

2012-02-15T20:04:00.002-06:00

According to Wikipedia " Feminism is a political discourse aimed at equal rights and legal protection for women. It involves various movements, political and sociological theories, and philosophies, all concerned with issues of gender differences; that advocate equality for women; and that campaign for women's rights and interests."

Also according to Wikipedia "Dominance and submission (also known as D&s, Ds or D/s) is a set of behaviours, customs and rituals involving the giving by one individual to another individual of dominance over them in an erotic episode or as a lifestyle arrangement." Please note their definition of D/s does not use he or she, it is implied I believe in the definition that this relationship could be male/female or reversed or male/male and of course female/female.

Further Wikipedia goes on to say this about D/s "It is a consensual power exchange between the two partners and need not involve any brutality (such as corporal punishment) or cruelty (verbal or emotional abuse) at all. It is primarily based upon trust and communication between the partners. It is also based on a deep ethos of mutual respect in which exploration of the emotions brought up by power exchange can occur in a safe, sane and consensual manner."

Which brings us back to the title of this post. I am a feminist (or if you believe men cannot be then I am a feminist supporter). To live a D/s lifestyle you have to begin from a believe that you are both equal and that you will both have needs and seek to fulfill them through the lifestyle. I am not a dominant because I am male I am a dominate simply because I am, it is the way I am wired and the way I think. I believe it is part of my biological make up and it may or may not be part of yours. I think roughly half the people are dominant and half are submissive but it is not divided up on gender lines.

The division of dominance and submission on gender lines is social conditioning and one reason we have feminism. There are differences between men and women but collectively we form a whole species with neither sex or that sex's strengths more important than the other, and I think that is a main message of Feminism. I cannot find any argument with that line of thought.

I see no contradiction in claiming to be both in fact I wonder how you could faithfully be a dominant male and not believe in the equality and power of women.

reprinted from A Dominant Character originally published September 11, 2009

Shades of Grey

2012-02-09T09:19:00.001-06:00

I deal in shades in of grey it seem almost all of my life. Parenting, working, relationships they are rarely ever black and white. In many ways I think this blog is all about shades of grey, what we do, what we should do, what we might do when things are not black or white. I think that is what being a Dom, a sub, a person really is all about.

If things were in fact black or white everything would be so much easier. I could just have a sort of moral compass that would point either up (white ) or down (black) and a decision would be made. A sub would always know where they stood and whether or not any particular action was right or wrong, punishable or not. Yes I know they often do anyways but that is another post and not always.

Most of the time I love living in the shades of grey that are always present in my very colour full life. Sometimes, just sometimes mind you, I do dream of a world full of black or white. It is a beautiful and erotic world and you can find my visions of it here http://simplyblackorwhite.tumblr.com/ .

Welcome and enjoy.

Cooking together

2012-02-07T08:57:00.000-06:00

This past weekend was a hectic one as most of them seem to be, nothing bad or out of the ordinary just the regular stuff of a couple with two active kids. Old enough to be in everything but not quite to go alone or more importantly with out the Mom and/or Dad taxi service. Actually I usually want to go, I am an involved Dad, little league coach, bottle drive coordinator, sell (eat) more of the chocolate covered almonds than they do type.

However weekends like this past one and the up and coming next two ones do make it challenging to carve out that all important "us" time. Just a few moments to connect as adults, as lovers, as a D/s couple are very important to keeping everything well mixed and simmering. Kids make the managing of time an absolute necessity in a D/s relationship. Five minutes found here, a stolen glance or swat there are the little things that when added to the recipe for play lead to things boiling.

A favourite way of being "us" in all the senses mentioned above and still be in public (meaning in front of the kids) is to cook together. Saturday night was one of those nights. Several trips to the rink with one, different activities with the other, up early around six and on the go all day. By dinner we were ready to order in, pizza is so easy. The problem is we are not really fast or convenient food people, so a quick review of the fridge and the pantry and a plan was under way. The jeans and heavy sweaters of our northern climate we exchanged for simpler, sexier clothes, wine was opened and the cooking began.

It is fun and light, we joke, we connect. There is lots of touching, tasting (feeding food and wine), there is easy banter. Cooking together is comfortable, the kids can come and go, they role their eyes at our music, they make faces at the kissing. The house fills with wonderful aromas, heat, laughter and in the end we have healthy and tasty food to eat. We have connected and then the family does as we sit down to eat together.

Saturday night after the meal and the clean up we retired to the living room away from the TV, the kids and harsh light. We took the last of the wine, we had the fire and we played scrabble. She won as she almost always does, I may be the Dom but her vocabulary is vast. On her final play though she used her last two tiles and spelt... Sir. Later the kids went to bed and with all the ingredients properly prepared through the evening and mixed with a sure hand, things boiled indeed.

The nature of limits

2012-01-27T08:40:00.000-06:00

Like many in this lifestyle I have long considered my position on limits. I have been in the chat room debates and one or two feisty go a rounds on fetlife. I have weighed in on other people blogs and in private conversations. It think it is impossible not to have an opinion on this but I have until now not felt the need to put mine out there. Today though in conversation with a friend of mine I had a light bulb moment and although I have always understood where I stand on this issue, I suddenly knew exactly why.

First a little background on my position which is simply this, everyone has limits both physical and emotional and what we are really discussing is how willing you are to test them. Physically it is apparent that the human body can only do so much and go so far. You may claim no limits around playing with sex and asphyxiation but when you pass out a limit has been reached, when you die of suffocation quite a final one. There are lots of examples but I am sure you get the point, the body imposes limits and if you surpass them the body breaks.

Almost everyone has emotional limits as well and just like the body if you go to far you will break. I suppose there may a few people out there who legitimately have no emotional limits but in my experience (just my experience I except yours may be different) they are crazy and that should be a very big limit for play.

So when we discuss a sub or slave having no limits what are we really discussing? We are discussing their desire to submit to all their Dom might want to do. In other words we are looking at the sub putting aside their own feelings about certain things to make their Dom happy. Turns out then that the whole discussion is really about Dom's limits. How much is a Dom willing to demand or take for themselves?

Therefore my position that all subs should have limits boils down to this. All Doms should have limits, lines that they will not cross. If they have none, not even ones they impose on themselves then they wield absolute power and historically we all know that never ends well. A Dom with out any limits would be very dangerous indeed and if the Dom has limits the sub automatically has them as well.

Expectations

2012-01-23T09:26:00.001-06:00

As a Dominate I have many expectations of my submissive and I think we all would agree that is pretty normal. Is it however, un submissive of her to have expectations of me? It occurs to me that she does in fact have them, a fair number in fact. Not the least of which is he expects me to take care of her. It may seem odd to put it that way as the submissive is suppose to serve the Dom, and she does, however in the end I take care of her.

This part of what I see as the dual nature of D/s relationship, the two sides of the same coin as some describe it. She does in fact cook the foods I like to eat, she wears the clothes I like to see her in, she performs the sexual acts that make me happy when I require them. She is polite and demure and all the things a sub is suppose to be. However for her to do all of those things I must tell her what I like to eat and give her feed back on what to shop for, she also needs the time to do so not to mention the money. I buy a large number of her clothes and approve the rest. I guide her and protect her in intimate moments and she relies on my steady hand in doing so.

The entire relationship, as all relationships do, requires the active participation of both of us and in equal measure. Not the same, but equal, we do not do the same things we are not responsible for the same tasks but all must get done and that takes both of us doing our part. So yes she does and should have expectations of me. I do and must take care of her for her to flourish and be happy and do all the things she does, like take care of me. Round and round it goes.

Saying NO

2012-01-19T13:51:00.000-06:00

I have advocated in the past that a sub who lives in a 24/7 D/s arrangement should have the right to disagree with her Dom or even say no. I have suggested it is not always the act of agreeing that makes one submissive but rather the way in which you disagree. The proper use of tone, humility, being appropriately demure, picking your moments to list a few.

Then I was again speaking with my submissive friend when she mentioned that she was getting annoyed by everyone writing about how "Submissive means you can say no anytime" . This had me wondering if she meant me as it occurred to me that my position may come across that way. Then, me being me, I took a little while to consider how I actually feel about my girl saying no.

I do believe she has the right and in fact needs the right to say no and to disagree with me for our life together to operate properly. I am after all a Dom and not a psychic or a god. Sometimes I get things wrong and she would be of very poor service to me if she did not point these moments out. Also there are topics on which she simply knows more than I do, often because I have chosen to not know on purpose because I know she does. However this is primarily about the day in and day out realities of living our lives, going to work, raising children and the like.

There are also agreed upon and practiced elements of our D/s life in which she cannot say no except in extraordinary circumstances. She must wear her collar every day, she simply cannot refuse or say no (an extraordinary circumstance would be throat surgery for instance). She may not say no to wearing a dress when she has been told, she cannot have an orgasm with out permission. These are the explicit elements of our D/s practise that reinforce the dynamic, the areas where she specifically has given up her rights and submits to my will. These are if you will the characteristics or markers that remind of her place and keep her centered.

They are what allow her in the daily events to maintain the proper tone, humility and sense of being demure needed to disagree appropriately. There is in essence the direct D/s and the indirect D/s, that which is played out in private and where she has no "NO" and that which is public where she must have a "NO" and still be a submissive.

Simple does not mean easy

2012-01-18T09:00:00.000-06:00

I prefer in almost every circumstance the simplest way of doing something. I seek it out, it is like a mantra with me. Things that are overly complicated hurt my head, I think at some basic level I am not that bright. So simple it is. The thing you have to know about simple though is you cannot confuse it with easy. Easy is in fact often a trap that leads to things being much more complicated.

For example, every handy man knows that simplest way to do something it to use the correct tool for the job. You want to hang a picture on the wall you need a nail, a hook and hammer. Nearly every handy man has at some point used a wrench, the handle end of screwdriver or something else because they did not have their hammer. It was "easy" to grab what was at hand, sure sometimes it works but others you break the wrong tool you used, or make a mess of it, or it takes longer, or a lot more frustration. Easy in those cases did not work, simple, getting the hammer, always does though.

I find I am constantly challenged as a Dom in finding the simple as opposed to easy. Simple is often a lot of work, I find it endlessly fascinating how much so. I have found that my girl requires a certain amount of sleep and often does not get it and I set out to solve this conundrum. The simple solution is make sure she gets enough sleep. The easy way to do this is to implement a bedtime, "thou shall go to bed at 11PM sub" and there you have it (no I would never actually say thou.) When she fails of course the easy thing to do would be punish her. Easy but not simple you see because the goal was her getting more (enough) sleep not her failing.

The easy commandment does not take into consideration her needs to work late, it does not take into consideration late night play ( I am hardly going to have her go to bed at 11 PM if I want to play until midnight) or take into consideration an issue with the children (I actually do say children though). So the simple solution of her getting enough sleep is more work than issuing a bedtime command. It takes planning, flexibility, perhaps loosing a little sleep myself, or putting of play a night until she does not have a deadline and can sleep in. The simple solution means that I must do some work, I might have to make a sacrifice, it means not doing what is easy.

Simple means to me focusing on getting the out come I want not having a predetermined plan for how I will deal with failure. I think all to often many of us know what the simple solution is, we don't always do it because it is to hard. We take the easy route and are very surprised at how complicated things become.

Day in and day out

2012-01-15T15:35:00.002-06:00

I have been living and version of the lifestyle for a little over two decades, mostly scenes and games in the beginning building up to the current full time arrangement we have now. An arrangement that has been in effect for a few years. It is unconventional and we know that, and it works and we know that too.

From time to time I get asked all the standard questions that anyone in this lifestyle gets asked. For instance can she opt out and quit being a slave? Would this end your marriage? Do you decide every little thing? What happens if she disagrees? Do you punish her? All great questions and not only ones that I am happy to answer for the one asking but also ones I answer for me all the time.

Of course she can an opt out, this the 21st century and we live in a first world country with laws. I hope it would not end my marriage, I mean TTWD is not the sole reason I love her. I don't decide every little thing, don't believe I could and would not want to and if we disagree we discuss it. Isn't that what everyone does? (yes that is a rhetorical question)

I think what many of these questions are asking is how does it work day in and day out. I think most people understand how the BDSM or kinky nature of how a D/s relationship works but what they cannot wrap their heads around is how does it work in the face of work deadlines and kids sports practice and Sunday dinner with the family. How does it work when there is not enough money for this or that and when the laundry is piled up on the floor.

I believe the answer to that question is it works by providing a framework of respect and trust in which communication can happen effectively. Of course she can and does disagree with me, however she cannot yell at me "are f*&*ing stupid, why on earth would you do it that way" or say with great sarcasm "well that did not work, who knew". Similarly she cannot use sex or emotions as black mail. No headaches or silent treatment in our house. She must be honest and forthright in her dealings with me and she must be polite.

It is a two way street though, the above covers the respect in how she deals with me. The trust is in how I deal with her. Her pain in my pain and her joy is my joy. If I am dealing with pushing limits I would never want to push to far, that means I know every aspect of her and what she like and does not like, what is a fear of the unknown and what is true fear that may damage her. I would no more do something to cause her pain than I would myself. In fact doing so is doing it to myself. I have never understood the Dom who pushes to fast or to hard on a subs limits for to do so is to put your own joy before hers. My joy comes from hers.

So day in and day out she stays on her best behaviour out of respect and day in and day out I stay on mine to keep her trust. We still experience all the same ups and downs as any couple and it would be impossible for us not to. D/s however defines and intertwines in every aspect of how we deal with them. Can she leave... of course she can, but why would she want to??? Can I punish her... of course I can... but why would I need to???

The most important word

2012-01-07T11:26:00.000-06:00

There are on tens of thousands of words just in English and many other languages to choose from so the task of picking the most important word should by daunting. Recently for me though it has become easy, even a no brainer. It is not even a very big word, although it uses one of the more important constants it also features what some consider a second rate vowel. At only two letters and not a mainstay noun or popular verb but a subset pronoun, it still should not surprise you.

In TTWD, within the Dominant/submissive genre the importance of the word "MY" I believe elevates it to this status. This simple two letter word changes everything, not a slut, MY slut. Not just self control but MY self control, MY girl, MY rules, MY relationship, MY life. When MY is put in front of so many words it changes them, morphs them and highlights the importance of the following word to me. It constantly reminds me of MY ownership and MY responsibility.

MY means not only a sense of belonging but a sense of control and a sense of power. However it works just as well in front of words like restraint and humility or honour and empathy. MY defines and provides a road map on behaviour and development as a Dominant. The philosophy of MY, yes I think I will spend some more of MY time on considering this.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-22T14:50:00.001-06:00

I wish all my readers the very best of the holiday season.

Bottoming from the Top

2011-12-20T14:20:00.003-06:00

No I have not mistyped the heading (in fact give yourself a little tap on the bottom from me for even thinking such a thing). Topping from the bottom is a well known phenomenon in our world where a bottom or sub gets a little ahead of her self in giving orders and takes over the leadership of the relationship. For topping from the bottom to exist there must be intent otherwise the bottom is just being a brat. I believe there is another and equally damaging phenomenon that works it's way into this thing we do that I am calling bottoming from the top.

It happens when a Dom for any number of reasons stops taking and exercising the control of the relationship. Again the indicator is intent otherwise the Dom is just being weak. Being a Dom takes a great deal of energy and focus. It can be exhilarating however it can also be draining. I think when it becomes to much of a drain there is a tendency to give up some of the control by not actively exercising the control. Much like a muscle if you let this go on to long the ability starts to atrophy.

At first this will show up as the sub being a little to bratty or may even look like topping from below but I don't think it is. When the decisions stop being made, when the direction is no longer set, then someone must fill that void. A submissive in a desire to please will do this even though they don't want to. When this happens things will start to break down fast.

Ironically when this break down occurs most Doms will react by seizing back control which is exactly what needs to be done. I wonder though how many in the process blame and/or punish the sub for a situation they are really responsible for? I also wonder if this pattern is repeated how much damage it is doing to the trust long term.

Just some idle thoughts on a grey Tuesday afternoon.

Party time

2011-12-17T08:23:00.001-06:00

Tonight we will host our annual Christmas season gathering for friends in our home. It is annual affair that has been going on for over two decades, it started small in our old tiny house when none of us had kids and we were all just starting out. That first party had about a dozen guests and went well into the wee hours of the morning. Over the years it has morphed in a large and elegant affair, preparations takes several days and involve several people. Around seventy people will come and go tonight and it will still go into the wee hours of the morning.

Although no one will overtly know it is a splendid time of year to show case and revel in our lifestyle and all that is special about D/s. The lead up to the party requires many decisions be made, guest list, menu, decorations and so forth. It gives us many opportunities to work together and practice working well. Both of us getting our jobs done in concert, any rough spots handled with care and humour and a final call from me. Lots of communication, easy, purposeful and playful.

The night of the party she can really shine, dressed underneath in something naughty only we know about, teasing us both through out the event. Dressed on the outside, drop dead gorgeous and feeling her best. There are lost of times through out the evening where I can take her hand or direct her by the small of her back this way or that. A subtle control that she willing gives into as we greet this person and glide across the room to talk with that person. I will feed her a bite of this and a taste of that, she will bring me a drink unrequested as she sees mine is empty. Little gestures all night seen by others but not understood, that build bond between us.

When the last drink is drunk and the final morsel eaten, when the last guest has bid us the best of the season and stepped out into the crisp night air then... The clean up begins. This to has our twist upon it. The dress will fall and she will take to the work with that naughty bit underneath on full display to me. We will get it all done again with easy efficiently and light hearts then finally settle in front of the tree for a quite moment. Often far to late in the evening and very tired there will be no big play scene, likely not even the tender love making of husband and wife but there will be shared moment of accomplishment. Not just of a party well done and enjoyed but of a connection and choices in a way to live celebrated.

The limits of control

2011-12-07T15:37:00.002-06:00

It has taken me many years and numerous attempts at control to understand what the limits of control are. That not everything can be under my control is a concept that I understood from the beginning (begrudgingly but none the less). I get for instance that I cannot control the weather, or the markets, or other people's driving, the in laws, politics, religion, the march of time and a few more. In truth as I have moved on in years I have come to realize that I don't really control anything but me. That is the limit of control for each of us.

For example I do not, as mentioned above, control the weather. I do however control my preparations for the weather. It is in my control to make sure the house is well insulated, the furnace is serviced, the windows air tight. I can change to snow tires, service my car (and hers), I can make sure that all in the family have and wear appropriate clothing for the cold. I can watch the weather, listen to the forecasts and plan accordingly. No I cannot control the weather but I can control how I respond to it and therefore how it affects me.

To truly master her I must control myself and through that control comes controlling her. It is only when I understand what I want and set up the systems, followed by the supporting actions that I have an effect and therefore the control of her we both want. Just as I cannot control the weather I cannot control her feelings, I cannot always stave off an impending storm, all I can control is me. I can take the reins in tighter, give her closer support, more direction. I can keep myself calm in the face of the storm and react in a controlled and responsible manner. Looking from the outside you might say I am controlling her but I am not, it is an illusion.

I have always been a leader of some type, sometimes I have just been bossy, mostly I could always get others to do as I wish. However I only truly became dominant when I understood that meant controlling me.

Control versus decision making

2011-12-01T15:42:00.004-06:00

You walk into your bedroom and there before you are all your favourite implements laid out on the bed, the soft tail flogger which warms you up so nicely, the riding crop with it's hard thud that spreads heat through out your back side and the dreaded yet fascinating cane. Your Dom standing near by tells you to pick one, a number and then to assume a position of your choosing. These are decisions, ones you would do well to contemplate carefully, but decisions none the less, decisions decisions, decisions. That your Dom will whip your ass until you scream and then use you till you cum, that is control.

I love control, I love to have it, I love to use it. I want to control me, her and the situation and I am good at it too. Making decisions it just a tool to exercise control or just a tool to get things done, decisions are not however control. Lots of decisions I don't really care if I make. I think this is an important concept for Dom and sub to both understand. As a sub you can make 99% of all your own decisions and even a lot for your Dom and still not be in control.

On any given day my girl will decide what to wear to work based on the needs of her job for that day. I rarely have input on this, in fact I am rarely there when she gets dressed. She will decide, hair style, make up, underwear, clothing and so on. Making along the way many decisions, she will do all of this with considerable style and ease. Deciding these things is easy for her. She will also do it from a closet of clothes, every single item if which I have approved of, that is control.

On the way home she may stop and do groceries choosing from a plethora of options laid out in the store aisles. This brand over that, this amount not that, the item on sale over that one not. She will consider what is in the pantry at home, what fresh items are needed, what the menu might be in the coming days, so many decisions in fact it would make your head spin. Well probably not yours but mine, that is why I don't do it. Unless she gives me a list and asks very sweetly indeed. Once all of that is done she will never however make a meal I don't like. That is control.

Holding the reins

2011-11-29T15:31:00.001-06:00

When you ride a horse holding the reins is an essential skill, especially if you wish to turn right or left or should you desire to stop. It is not like a steering wheel though, a horse unlike your car can think, they have feelings and moods, likes and dislikes and since you ride them if they decide to go their own way you are going along or learning a hard lesson about gravity. Reins are a way to control this, to let the horse know who is in charge and what is expected and sometimes you will take control of the reins and firmly and decidedly let the horse know what is expected, however a lot of the time you can simply hold them loosely and then let the horse (who can and does think) find his own way. A smart horse will often pick a better path.

I think you know where I am going with this and no I am not suggesting or calling submissive women horses. That would make me that back end of a horse. I am drawing an analogy and furthering the zeduwfur conversation though. Control in the relationship is not unlike holding the reins for me, I use it to give the relationship direction or sometimes to slow things down. Sometime I need to take tighter control, if we are on unsure or rocky terrain for instance or if I am trying to set a very particular path. Often though we are just heading in 'that' general direction and a light holding of the reins allows her to pick a better path than I might have. We end up in the same place, the one I choose, and we are both happier for it.

Beyond the metaphor of holding the reins, I realized recently it is sometimes how we describe the needs involved in the conquer me feeling. She has been away and is overwhelmed with everything upon her return. I simply told her yesterday that for the next few days I will keep tight hold of the reins and she immediately sighed and relaxed and then thanked me. Knowing she would have the control (support) she desperately needed. Sometimes in the past she has used it by suggesting things are getting out of hand and I should "rein her in'. I suspect this terminology will not work for everyone but I thought you might like a little glimpse of what does for us (and I did not even touch the whole riding crop aspect of this...).

zeduwfur - A book review

2011-11-25T21:11:00.003-06:00

A little while ago greengirl at whatiwonder posed a question. She described a submissive feeling of wanting and asked it anybody new what it was called. Little Monkey suggested it might be called zeduwfur which I believe was her word validation that day and while we can give full marks to her for creativity I don't see it catching on. Later Becky suggested a book called Conquer Me might have the answer. Ever the helpful guy I decided to check it out.

Now first we to clarify the feeling gg wanted a name for, Kacie Cunningham the books author described it as such, but as I am merely a Dom and not acquainted first hand with this feeling you be the judge. Have you ever had that feeling well up inside of you, the one that feels like you just absolutely need to be grabbed by the hair, thrust to the floor, and talked to in The Voice? You know, The Voice that makes you have shivers down your spine, and that delicious fluttering in your belly? I’ll let you fill in the rest of this little fantasy on your own, but I think you know the feeling I’m talking about. The feeling you get that feels almost like being hungry, thirsty, and really horny all at the same time. Yet it’s not a need for any of those things, exactly but a need for a Master to bury his hands in your hair, and his teeth in your flesh, and take you down, thrusting you firmly in your place, where you belong, and not let you up until it pleases him. A feeling Ms Cunningham has dubbed Conquer Me.

Her book is an excellent look in to the world of TTWD whether you are an experienced sub or a beginner or quite frankly a Dom (seriously a must read gentleman). I found her approach to many things from topping from the bottom, to negotiation, to resolving issues when things go awry to be dead on. Her stories, many from her own life, added a real touch and warmth to the presentation. lunaKM of the highly respected site Submissive Guide offered the following this book is going right to the top of my recommended reading list.

I must agree.

Celebration Time

2011-11-24T07:19:00.000-06:00

To all my American readers Happy Thanksgiving, enjoy your time with family and friends.

Orgasm control

2011-11-21T23:22:00.001-06:00

Not hers, mine. I love the heightened sense of sexual arousal that can be maintained by not cuming. It is energy that can then be channelled into continued play. Not allowing myself to have an orgasm avoids issues with the refractory period allowing for much longer sessions. I have also found it has a very interesting effect on her.

I have played with notions of orgasm control for quite some time, hers and mine, and although there are some interesting games that can be played with not letting her have one and heightening her sense of frustration, I have found with my girl at least that to long with out release decreases her enjoyment. Much better to have her orgasm a lot. The more she does the more she wants to and the more of a sexual being she becomes.

The interesting part is when she is made to have one or multiple orgasms in a session and then across several sessions with out me having one. It has the doubling effect of making her a lot more sexual and way more wanting and at the same time far more desperate to feel me release, on her, in her, with her watching, whatever. In this state she becomes even more submissive and still more willing, two states I think any Dom will agree are considered good. She has been known to pout in the most delicious of ways over it.

I gives me an outlet for great control over myself and by extension over her. An excellent position as a Dom, to be in. Sometimes it will just sort of happen but lately I have been experimenting with suggestions like she must have orgasms in five different sessions before she will be allowed to feel my cum on her skin and one more after that before she gets to feel me release inside her. The sexual arousal for me is a lot of fun and carrying the energy for days is an interesting experience. As well the submissive state it puts her in is wonderful and with lasting effects.

Versatile Blogger Award

2011-11-20T09:30:00.005-06:00

With only three posts I was very surprised when Maui Girl at From Vanilla to Dom - A Suubmissive's Hope nominated me. I told her so when I thanked her in her comments and I realize she nominated more on reputation then on the out put of this blog. That actually made it very special to me, I must say to all who have come here so far how pleased and humbled I have been at my reacceptance in the community.

Like several others I will not list 15, all that I would have nominated have one or several now, all well deserved. I liked Sara's suggestion, take a look at my list and if there are ones you have not been to, or not been to in a while, go visit them and say "Hi" for me. They are all worthy.

Seven things about me.

I recently started wearing glasses for some things I do, funky digital tri focals. I like being able to read and see the computer screen again and I am conveniently ignoring what it says about aging.

My wife and young daughter are currently gallivanting around France together leaving my son and I at home baching it. Last night he suggests we clean the kitchen after I made a comment about it being a pig sty, he said "yes or soon we will be in the trough"

In the summer months I drive a convertible Mustang, it is the the 40th anniversary edition model of the car, a gift on my 40th birthday from my lovely wife ( yes it was a surprise and yes she put a giant red bow on the hood). Meaning the brand and I are the same age.

At work I have had the same assistant for 22 years.

I am partial to the colour blue and often wear it, being very colour blind it is one of the few colours I see properly.

At home and within most of my social group we do not speak English.

I love solving puzzles and do math equations for fun, my record on solving an advanced Sodoku is a 2:45 It is why I like working with and helping people, the most advanced puzzles there are.

Bonus thing: I am a make pancakes Sunday morning kind of Dad so I need to go.

I am what I am

2011-11-19T00:29:00.003-06:00

I titled this blog with a question which on the surface I suppose is not very Dom like. It perhaps implies that I am searching for answers and we all know that Dom's are suppose to know everything. Sadly I use to know everything and if you wanted answers you really should have checked with me back then. Oops to late.

There are things that I have answers to in the weighty question that is my new title. I can for instance answer the question of why I am dominant in nature, I have an answer to the nature or nurture aspect of that pondering or at least one for me. I will share it with you as it may help some... I don't know. There it is, the entire and truthful answer. Hey wait a minute you now saying, that is not an answer or it at best it is a pretty big non answer and at worst a cop out. I respectfully put forward however it is the only answer and I have a question of my own.

Why does it matter? I have considered both of these questions a great deal and I have come to the conclusion that the answer is for me "I don't know" and "It does not matter". Perhaps a different way of looking at it is summed up in the phrase, I am what I am. However that being said, and accepted, there are some other questions that come to mind and these questions require answers. Questions like what I am going to do with it, how will I use it and grow with it, what might be the pitfalls of being this way, how does it make me feel, how does it affect those around me. The answers to these kind of questions seem to me to be a worthy pursuit.

So let us begin, I can not answer everything tonight, the clock has struck midnight and soon I must find a pillow and a bed but let us start with this. What do I get out being a Dominant? Specifically a dominant over my submissive.

Answer: I get a chance to serve in a way that makes me happy and makes my heart soar. Hold it, hold it I can hear the rumblings already, the mumbling sounds of Doms and submissives everywhere commenting that Sir J has finally lost it. Perhaps I have but I will push on anyways. I like to serve by leading, I want to help her, I want to give her pleasure in ways that blow her mind, I love to see that look on her face, that one that beams with love and a sense of contentment when I bring Starbucks to her office (I know what you were thinking) and yes I love that look to. I want to make her life better through my control, and I can, and I do (soon we will discuss the difference between control and making decisions). When I serve our relationship in this way it hums and even sings and I love that as well. In the end my reasons for loving this lifestyle are no different than submissive's reasons. I get out of it exactly what you do I just get it by doing the binding and causing the pain and enforcing the rules, it is my release, my internal drug.

One more answer and I bid you a goodnight. Yes of course my girl and I have and share equal billing in our relationship, we each represent half of it and together we make a whole. I think it is important for Doms to remember that they are not more than half of the relationship and that whole relationships can only occur when there are two halves. Of course the power of control in our dynamic is not equal, not even close. I choose to serve by leading and she chooses to serve by following and all that entails. We both choose the relationship, we both serve the relationship, we are both happy within the whole relationship.

WIIFM

2011-11-16T20:19:00.000-06:00

A Dominant Character was by the numbers a successful run in blogger land, Over 100,000 hits, 250,000 page views, almost 500 followers, so I guess someone liked it. It had it's criticisms though and chief among them was there was not enough of me in it, it was to theoretical some felt. I have reflected a fair amount on that and it is something I wish to change in round two. Within the stats above I can tell you that almost all my followers and commenter's were female and of the submissive side of D/s. There were some exceptions, I had short but wonderful conversations with Dom Tom, Dauntless Vitality and Omega from mouse's blog but they represent less than maybe 5% of traffic and email.

As it turns out this is fine with me as I love the company of women, all women, mostly I prefer them to men. I like they way the think, I like their emotions and unlike most men I love to talk. On and on and on in fact. If there was one theme that rose to the top of all others in comments and questions it was the theme of a submissive woman who wanted her husband (long time partner, love interest) to take on a more Dominant role and the angst she felt and experienced in attempting this path. I truly have no idea how you do that and from what I read I can only surmise, based on your accounts, that some of you are truly masochists for attempting it.

Bratty Ann on her self titled blog summed it perfectly in her second post titled "Too much to fast" when she asked or stated " I know how to answer why do I like what I like but I don't even have a clue as to what to say when he asked me what would he get out of it except to be doing what I wanted. Why would he like it? " I have to admit when I read this I thought, as I often have before, I wish I could speak with the husband, yes I love the dialogue with the women, but I have could just have some time with the men... I could so answer the all important WIIFM or what's in it for me.

Journal Writing

2011-11-16T00:14:00.000-06:00

Many a Dominant has decreed that his submissive should keep a journal and many submissives do keep one, however I believe many start one but it does not stick. I am not sure I know why Doms do this or why it does not work, I can tell you I do not require it of mine. I however keep one and thought I would share my reasons why.

Why write a journal? A journal is probably the most important task l undertake for self improvement. Constant writing influences my life in subtle ways, the better the journal, the easier I find handling my emotions with in D/s and the higher I succeed in my quest and in my control.

How does the journal help? First, it lowers stress. The journal is a safe place for me to think about D/s. It is a place to develop an understanding, an interpretation, an opinion and a plan of action long before I am into an actual event or scene. This helps to make my interactions (and hers) more even, seamless and more confident. Power exchanges can be overwhelming and not understanding all the variables can make them even more difficult. By writing about them in advance, I have a better idea of where to start and what to expect.

Secondly a journal increases sophistication. The "rehearsal" aspect of the journal allows me to present a better side of myself. It allows me to become familiar with ideas, toys, fantasies or potential issues and this allows me to look deeper into my feelings (and hers) and likely responses (and hers). When I think about interpretation or response in advance, I already start to develop my own sense of my role or place even if I am unsure of it. I can reference my journals in order to remind me of initial thoughts, goals or feelings .

Thirdly journal writing safes time and increases development. Many people regard the journal as incredibly time consuming. However, in reality, I find the journal saves time because it provides a library of my fantasies, thoughts and feelings as well as my developments. A key is to reread, and sometimes even share, my journals to remember key goals and objectives. I often struggle to understand the many conflicting thought and emotions, writing them down often provides greater clarity. With in the D/s relationship I often underestimate how difficult it is to deal with the many emotions and highs and lows. I use the journal to track my understanding of relationships and feelings. I have found time and time again that the feelings and cycles are not nearly as difficult or overwhelming as they would have been had I not written in a journal.

What are the parts of my journal? The journal is divided into two parts: a summary and a commentary. The summary section looks at the events of the day and attempts to answer several questions. What were the key events of day, what problems or issues were faced and dealt with. What conclusions or actions took place. I look for one or two key quotes or themes of learning for the day. I believe good summaries are hard to write and take practice. It takes some time to learn how to condense a whole day into a few paragraphs.

The commentary section follows the summary and evaluates the day. I look how I felt about the events, was I happy with my responses, with hers, why or why not. Did things I attempted to do work or not and what might make them better. It is where I envision what the future might look like and explore possible new ways of approaching something. I do my best at this point to justify my thoughts and directions and to understand others.

My journal is my place to explore my ideas and thoughts and feelings on relationships. It is a place I need not be afraid to be critical of me or others and where I am free to invest in new ideas or fantasies. I include a great deal of personal commentary always keeping in mind that the more fun I have writing it the more fun it is to reread later.

She wanted Control

2011-11-14T09:08:00.001-06:00

I don't really think of myself as being a "Dom" as in a title, I think of myself as being Dominant as in a personality. It comes out in many things I do not just in the bedroom, it is sprinkled through out my roles as husband, father, boss, friend and as coach. You see like many a Dad in this modern world I give some of my time to coach a team my daughter plays on.

Now where I live you cannot work in an official capacity with children even as a volunteer unless you provide the organization with a criminal records check to prove you are not some kind of monster preying on young kids. Assuming a criminal record check can prove that kind of thing. So last week I dutifully hauled my butt down to the local police station to get my clearance. Turns out that new this year they take everyone's finger prints now to be extra cautious, I guess if you dumb enough to commit crimes you might be smart enough to change your name.

When it was my turn I went into the back where a lovely young female officer placed my hand on a very high tech finger print scanner and started the procedure. At one point she needed to role each finger across the pad as they do in any number of police shows with the ink and paper. Then she smiled at me and said "relax, give me the control", I did as she asked of course with sly smile.

A new beginning

2011-11-12T08:03:00.000-06:00

I read a great deal, blogs, books, magazines, newspapers, the internet, everywhere there are words really. Often when I read a new blog, after the entry I went there to read, I will go back and read the first entry they posted. I like to see or know where it all began and what brought them to this place I am now at.

More often then not they will say something about it being the beginning of their journey, they will explain about coming to a realization that they have these Dominant or submissive feelings and need an outlet to explore them. This is not my case, I am not new to these feelings or exploring them, I am not even new to blogging about them but it turns out I do need a forum to explore them.

I choose to begin new as opposed to revitalize the old site so everything would have a new look and new feel. Whether you are an old friend or new welcome to my new home.