My Rules

Yes indeed my rules but not the ones you think.  There are of course hundreds of places around the web and blosphere where you can find examples of a Dominant's rules for their submissive and I of course do have some but today I thought I would share My Rules, as in the ones I have for me. (Every Dom has them don't they?)

Say Please and Thank you

Work hard

Mind my manners

Offer a Lady, the elderly and pregnant women a place to sit

Don't curse

Extend a firm handshake

Keep my word

Respect my Elders, respect not necessarily agree with or follow

Always make eye contact

Open doors for others

Stand up straight

Be well groomed

Read often

Be Romantic

No Gossip

Be punctual

Love well

Be humble

One can never be completely sure how they are doing but I do try.

Stepford Subs

The term "Stepford Wife" entered into common usage in the English language after Ira Levin wrote a book of that name and it was turned into a movie.  The label "Stepford Wife" is usually applied to a woman who seems to conform blindly to an old fashioned subservient role in a relationship to her husband. Compared to other presumably more independent women.  It is also used to describe someone, male or female, who submits meekly to authority and/or abuse; or even to describe someone who lives in a robotic, conformist manner without giving offense to anyone.

I think it would be fair to say this is a derogatory label and not one that anyone would or should aspire to.  However in many ways much of the description above could and often does describe the actions of a submissive, the underlying difference being choice.  Stepford wives had no choice they were produced, literally if you are not familiar with the story.  Stepford and the desires of those men are not ones I identify with, I have never longed for my girl to be the same as everyone else's, there is no common ideal which I strive for.  There is my ideal though.

My ideal is probably different then yours, it is the product of my wants and desires and experiences that are mine alone and when mixed all together they make me who I am just as yours make you who you are.  I want and need my girl to be my wife, my submissive and not Stepford's or anyone else's idea of what a wife or a submissive is.   All to often as I read through various blogs, web sites and books on this lifestyle I come across copious amounts of information on "training" the perfect sub.  I often think as I read through these that I am at a McDonalds of TTWD.  I will have a pretty, submissive girl, who likes being on her knees and being spanked please.  Would you like a desire for bondage with that?  Sure, that sounds nice.  WTF.

It did not work that way for me.  I choose the girl I choose because I liked her, I liked the way she thought, I liked the way she looked, I liked her sass, I liked her ambition, there were in fact so many things I liked and still like about her, thirty years and counting.  So why would I want to change her?  I have never liked the training concept it has always seemed like to much work and like to much of that work would be mine.  I really like however, the guiding model.  In this model I lead her to the self discovery of all the things she could do to make me happy, leading is not so much work and I do it anyways.  Along the way she maintains all the things about herself that make her who she is, the things that made her the person I love.  Nothing Stepford about her at all but then again I suspect had I lived in that town there would have been nothing Stepford about me either.

roMANce

Early in the relationship between Vivian and Edward in the movie a Pretty Woman Vivian says to Edward "I appreciate this whole seduction scene you've got goin',  but let me give you a tip: I'm a sure thing, okay ?"  It is a great line and in my mind it sets the tone for the movie.  She is of course a sure thing and they both know it however Edward, in is usual Master of the Universe style, ignores her and continues with the seduction anyways and at that moment we all fall in love with him even if it takes Vivian two or three scenes.  We should not like Edward he represents everything that most of despise, callous arrogance, selfishness, greed and way to much success (most of us I thought he was awesome).  Of course Pretty Woman is Hollywood and, well of course, it was Richard Gere.

Leaving Hollywood and Julia Roberts as a sure thing behind... Um yes behind... Where was I?  I think this is a concept that requires some thought by Doms.  My girl of course is also a sure thing (NO I am not in anyway drawing a parallel between hookers and submissives just the SINGLE parallel of sure thingedness) and as such there are times when she is just used, I have needs and she fulfils them.  There are also times when full on seduction is the order of the day or night as it were.  In my case my submissive is also my wife and the love of my live and frankly she expects and I love the art of seduction.

The art of seduction has little to do with champagne and strawberries  (however if you go that route I recommend Bollinger not the Cristal used in the movie), no the art of the seduction is all about thought.  Seduction requires that you plan in advance and/or that you know the person you are seducing very well.  Seduction is particular to the person you are seducing, what works for me will not necessarily work for you, it cannot be a recipe of do this here and do that there.   It takes time and timing however the great thing about it is effort counts and perfection is not necessary, switching movies a moment, as Dorothy says to Jerry in the passionate speech at the end of Jerry Maguire "you had me at hello" is a statement on the power of seduction.  What you do is not nearly as important as doing.  

The why do is simple, as a Dom it is our job to take care of our submissive and nothing says I thought of you and what you like more than well played seduction.  Far from being unnecessary, as she is a sure thing, it is the ultimate in exercising all you know and all you are as Dom, it weaves in knowledge, curiosity, control, anticipation and leads anywhere you want it to, what could be more manly and Dominate than that?

The fine art of telling me I am wrong

As a Dominant I am use to leading and use to things being my way, in fact I insist.  However I am human and therefore fallible and once in a while (a very long while of course) I am wrong and someone needs to point that out to me.  Occasionally (often) that  someone is the very same girl who is submissive to me and this can be a stress full moment for her.  Sometimes it is someone else.  Perhaps some of you can relate.

Back in February I wrote a post on how my girl and I like to cook together.  A nice little post that received some good feedback, not the best I have ever written but all in all a satisfactory effort.  Yesterday I was surprised to get a new comment on that post from anonymous, signed Lulu Lurker.  She said the following "By the by, it's "spelled" not "spelt" -no disrespect meant Sir, just driving me insane. And yes I'm a lurker."  Now as many regular readers and any of you who have contacted me outside the blog know English is not my first language and I write here in part to improve my written English, so I appreciate when people point out grammatical errors.

Lulu was attempting to do this and in doing so she was taking on the daunting task of telling a Dominant, me in this case, that he was wrong.  Brave girl and I respect that.  She did it by starting with an idiom that suggests she is mentioning this almost as an after thought, not a bad start really making it seem like maybe it is not a big deal.  Then she gets right to the point, this is what you did wrong and what you should have done.  No sugar coating it and I like that too, if you sugar it to much the message gets lost.  She then tells me she means no disrespect and I accept this as stated especially as she then uses Sir.  Finally she adds that my incorrect usage of the word insults her grammatical sensitivity and adds, as an anonymous, a little insight into who she is.

All together her  two sentences are not a bad model for how to tell a Dominant he was wrong.  Underplay it a bit, state the issue, be respectful and give a good explanation on how it affects you.  From here a good dominant can make an assessment of their actions and make any corrections necessary.  So thank you Lulu Lurker for giving me an opportunity to use your words in this way.

Oh yes.  If you are going to tell your Dominant he is wrong there is one other critical thing you must make sure of and this is the most important part.  Be right.  Spelt is the simple past tense and past participle of spell according to the Oxford dictionary.  Please note I referenced the Oxford Dictionary not an American one like Webster's.   In American English, spelt means exclusively a hardy wheat grown mostly in Europe, and the verb spell makes spelled in its past-tense and past participle forms. In varieties of English from outside the U.S., spelt and spelled both work as past-tense and past-participial forms of spell. They are interchangeable, and both are common.  I am not an American.

  

Managing pain

This should be a fun post on how to administer a proper spanking or caning, on the many ways of layering sensation on sensation, building and building towards that glorious climax that is a submissive in full flight.  However it is not, it is an examination of pain outside this thing we do, unwanted pain with no sexual undertones, the kind of pain that changes the course of a life and causes one to rethink everything.  My pain.

Medically it is caused by ruptured discs in my lower spine which cause pressure on nerve endings that really do not hold well with having pressure on them.  It makes them very cranky indeed.  It started a number of years ago now and is managed by drugs and exercise and strength building and by not doing things that might aggravate it.  The nature of my condition makes surgery a very risky venture so I avoid it.  For much of the last year it has been well managed and almost to the point I thought it was gone.  Until this week, this week I made the critical error of bending over to pick up a fallen scrap of paper and I have not been able to stand straight since.  I have enjoyed a few days off and some truly wonderful pharmaceuticals.

In pain, drugged and unable to do most things, like walk for instance the mind has a tendency to wander.  I have considered the nature of my life, the vocation given up in part because I can no longer do it physically, the moving past two favorite past times in pursuit of simply being able to walk.  The changes have been dramatic and the course of those changes have been parallel to the biggest changes in our dynamic.  Is the control of her so sought after a surrogate for the loss of control over my own body?  If so is less real, less important.  Or perhaps the changes are derived from a greater wisdom of human frailty that has led to a just go after attitude.   Take what you want in the end it what is the worse that can happen.

If the pain is what drives me then what of her?  Pity perhaps, a desire to please when she to feels impotent to deal with the real issue.  Not the most pleasant of thoughts and they do not lead to places I wish to go.  With out the pain I believe where we are in the natural extension of the many years we have been together exploring our relationship and our sexuality, the logical place we should have arrived at.  Yet the pain is real, the changes real and thoughts continue.


Hopefully tomorrow I can walk, I always think better when I walk.

Every minute of every day

I have just returned from a short get a way with my girl.  We left very early for the airport last Thursday morning and we were home mid evening Monday night.  During  that time we flew south and boarded a cruise ship, sailed the Caribbean and returned home.  Also during that time we together.  We did not do things apart, her reading and me wandering the ship, her sleeping in and me off to breakfast, nope, none of those types of things.  Instead we did everything together, every walk, every meal, every show, workout and view.

For most of that time we were also touching, holding hands, hand in back and much more, nudge, nudge, wink, wink.  What can I say it rained a lot.  Things did not all go well, the airline lost our luggage, side trips were cancelled because of weather, we got royally soaked in Nassau in a down pour and yet we did not fight, not at all.  At the heart of everything there was a feeling of us, of us against all that went wrong, of us together so what did it matter and sometimes just of us and no one else.  Supporting that was the strength of our dynamic, the lead and follow, the trust, a path to follow in the face of the unknown. 

Now we are back and daily life has taken over as daily life does.  Hours apart and minds worlds away caught up in the many things that are the every day.  Yet there is a connection, always there, strengthened by every minute of every day.

There is no use doing well that which you should not be doing at all

I have recently been away attending a seminar on leadership and it was quite interesting.  I learned for instance that as a leadership style I am an analyst, I am sure you are all as shocked as I was.  Okay perhaps not so much but there were other aspects of the course that were useful like the line in the title of this post.  It has had considerable effect on me as I have mused over it.

I think it has great consequence in TTWD and I have wondered for the last few days how often I might be guilty of this very thing.  I think it speaks to the core of want and desire and to much of the conflict that can arise when living this kind of lifestyle.  When we are not on the same page to so to speak and I am perfecting a certain skill or developing a particular scene and she is not into it at all for instance.  I also wonder how often it might be relevant for her, or any submissive, to occasionally dwell on this concept in light of her own  practises surrounding us.

Or perhaps I just think to much, I have been accused of it before.